2 of the simplest, but most effective ways to help children ‘fit in’

Do you know what really sucked during my teaching career. The feeling of not being good enough, stemming from my ability not to fit into the mould of a couple of schools or rather not wanting to.

This notion was what inspired today’s topic and I’d like to go into it a little deeper as there are some cool knowledge points to highlight for you as parents, if that’s o.k. with you?

I hated not fitting in as you may remember, which led to self doubt and negative self talk. I suppose when we aren’t able to fit in, it does play heavy on our minds.

I know that it gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach when I’d tried so hard to prove myself to others and it flopped. You may have similar experiences?

It raises an interesting question…Why did I feel I had to? Indeed why do we care about what other people think?

Basic human nature is my guess. That need to fit in and be liked. This takes us all back to primary school I would surmise , where we wanted to be popular and be in the cool brigade.

However, believe it or not the need to fit in is crucial to a child’s development. Mirroring the behaviour of peers in order to be accepted by them is the social glue that bonds people together, and we deliberately seek out the similar in order to feel secure.

If we’re doing the same as everyone else, we must be doing it right; right? Finding a reflection of ourselves in those around us is a form of validation.

As adults we learn coping strategies to deal with it and to validate ourselves or indeed to protect ourselves in the first place by sticking with what is comfortable. Or indeed my personal favourite not giving two hoots… but that definitely comes with age and social confidence.

But what is key to note here is that as adults we know that we do or will fit in somewhere’.

However, what happens for children when this basic human becomes something they have to confront in a negative way?

The relationships within children’s naturally forming social networks are hierarchical in nature, meaning that they are not all equal. The same is certainly true for adults.

Some children are more popular and sought out in these groupings, while others struggle to be included at all. Children’s under developed sense of self and understanding of their emotions, detect that an important part of their happiness is linked in with how they are perceived and treated by the other children in their network, and so they tend to worry a lot about their social position. Particularly from the ages of 7 onwards. .

This is another way of saying that children are concerned about how others perceive them, and therefore are subject to intense peer pressure. They are often willing to do almost anything, even self-destructive things, in order that they can become well regarded and sought after by other children.

When children struggle to fit in or are treated poorly by the other children you as a parent may feel angry, powerless and afraid. You want to help, but don’t always know how.

I cannot stress enough that you cannot and should not try to remove children from the pressure of needing to fit in and the reason why is that it just isn’t helpful. It might not feel that way, right,… but trust me.

This process of fitting in is the training ground in which children’s social skills are learned and practised. Children who are kept away from this struggle will not learn vital social skills they will need in order to negotiate the adult social world, like we are able to.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have a powerful role to play, however.

When a child is having trouble fitting in at school or in social settings, the best thing you can do is show them that they’re accepted and loved for who they are. A misunderstood myth is that all children get on. Yes, they can play together, but that doesn’t mean they get on? Look at some sports teams or groups that work together. Do you think they all get on? Of course not, right? That’s the same for children.

In my opinion there are two key things you can do make this situation a lot easier for your child.

They may seem basic but these points are often missed in the world today. By doing the basics well proven success can always be achieved in anything and create big impacts in the harder elements.

The first is to provide a standing invitation to have an open conversation with children about their worries and fears regarding peer relationships. Tell them a story when something similar happened to you and what you learnt from it! The power of story is so incredible, just look at when you heard my origin story.

The second is to help children grow a strong sense of self-esteem by loving, encouraging and protecting them, providing them with appropriate challenges and teaching them positive coping and decision-making skills. This does not mean mollycoddle them! But provide them with the right balance between taskmaster and their biggest groupie.

When kids feel consistently accepted for who they are at home, it makes them better able to cope with outside stressors. There really is enough pressure on them outside your 4 walls so make it a safe place for them to process and evaluate.

So the real question is how can Forest School help a child to develop socially? I would argue there are three main facets to this,each interlinked and each with many nuanced subsections within them. The first is mixed age group sessions, the second is conflict resolution and the third is child led play.

First, there are often mixed aged groups who play together. Age mixing works well for both the younger and the older. It stretches younger children so that they can play in more advanced ways than they could with their same-aged peers. Young children also flourish socially under the care and emotional support that older, more experienced children can offer.

Older playmates are able to support enhanced cognitive, language, and motor development in their younger peers. For older children playing with younger children offers the chance to act as leaders, to play teacher, and to develop creativity, empathy, and kindness — key skills for friendship building, collaborate with others, and solve complicated problems.

Second. Sometimes those problems for both younger and older children are disagreements and at Forest School they are encouraged to work through these and come to an amicable arrangement and resolution. Disagreements are part of life and are never shied away from at Forest School, but rather are seen as learning practice. A leader is always on hand to facilitate these discussions, providing helpful pointers if necessary as apposed to sorting it out for the children.

Third. Child initiated play is another benefit of Forest School that helps children socially. Through this open ended learning children can showcase what they are good at and therefore gain or change their following of peers as a result. They may even be exposed to things by others they never thought they may like but end up loving.

Marvellous ae? So there you have two ways and a whole movement in which to make the next time, your child finds it hard to navigate fitting in with others, a whole lot easier.

Remember you’re just one session away.